fathers

Today is Father's Day. My dad died on april 24 of this year, about one month and a half ago. So this is the first F.D. without him. Some years I gave him gifts, some years I just called. Gifts were never anything major like a car or a vacation, small things like a tie or a pair of gloves or a book I thought he might like. In some ways he was very self-effacing, when I sent a gift he always seemed pleased but also surprised as if he didn't think it was merited. I never actually asked him - did he think gifts were not expected for the day (why not?), or did he think he hadn't been a good enough father maybe? He had his issues as do we all, but as a family we did a lot of things together. The vacation out west to see the National Parks was one of the great childhood experiences of my life, even though all the driving was hard on his back, I hope he still was able to enjoy and appreciate it as much as I did. Going on boy scout camping trips together (and losing his keys on one of them, so we had to drive back with someone else, then he and my mother had to go back with the other car and the spare key to retrieve his car!) Helping me move into my college dorm every year. Advising me on work politics. Inventing equations for me to solve when I was a kid and bored in restaurants waiting for dinner to come. So many things.

I was lucky in a way. He started getting sick a few months ago, but I happened to visit them several times to help out when my mother had knee and then hip replacement surgery. So I was able to spend some time with him. Then when he got a lot worse not long ago, there was enough warning that I made a trip home again to visit him in the hospital and help arrange a nursing home for afterwards. He was pretty out of it between the illness and the strong painkillers he was taking. But he was alert sometimes and knew I was there. We chatted, nothing consequential. We shared one last joke. The meals usually came with little plastic utensils in heat-sealed bags, but one time for unknown reasons the utensils were institutional metal flatware. I commented that they probably used plastic so the patients couldn't escape...this tickled his funny bone and he laughed so hard he almost choked (the illness affected his swallowing so this happened a lot). It's a nice memory to have now.

The doctors thought he had at least several months to go, so I came back to Montreal. Then in the end he only survived a few more weeks, so I missed the end. My mother was unhappy with the nursing home, so she brought dad home and hired a full-time assistant to help with the care. So dad died at home, in his bedroom, surrounded by his life and with mom there. The funeral was upsetting, although the shiva (a jewish wake) was fun in an odd way, a lot of my parents' friends came and I was able to catch up with them. Like the head of my mother's high school science department (long since retired like mom), who had taught me science gadgetry at the local Y when I was a kid. My mom's good friend from college, the two women engineers among the first ever at Columbia University back in the 50's.

Since then my mother has been furiously busy with the legal/financial details of the will, a complicated affair due to trying to minimize inheritance taxes. And she decided to sell the house right away. I went back again to help do a major cleanup of all the spots she couldn't reach (not cleaning, just taking down (or up) boxes, clothes, books, whatever). Now the house is on the market and she's already signed a lease on an apartment to rent starting in the summer. She is moving on with her life full-speed. I on the other hand have come back to my regular life, but determined to make it all worthwhile. I have stopped doing some things (mostly at work) that were simply not worth the trouble. I have started some new things (like the viola) before it's too late. I make sure and tell my wife how much I appreciate and love her. I get every bit of cuddling fun from the cats that I can! My stepson is away, with his biological father for the rest of this school year. So happy father's day dad, if that great ISP in the sky is connected. And I wish myself a happy father's day too.

Back to the classics

I have started studying the viola. It's ambitious, starting an instrument at a relatively advanced age. I have been playing other strings for years now, but nothing with a bow and nothing facing up - always facing out. So the strain on my left arm is significant. I'm trying to go slow and be patient, hopefully I'll increase the mobility over time. But I can pick out a simple tune in D major, which is a start. Bowing feels very natural. Also the viola uses the unusual alto clef, not that I read sheet music well anyway. But why not? I love the sound, it's my instrument for sure. Kind of rough and woolly, and in between. Violin is too high, cello is too awkward. It must be the greek thing - moderation in all things including pitch!